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Master John Bater
Welcome to my article peasants!
Introduction
Many of the students at Holland Parke School will tell you that I am stuck up but I am not! That is a lie; after all I am the one who holds an umbrella over Mr. Hal’s head.
The other day me and Mr. Hal were walking in the street towards the school, as usual I am walking behind him holding an umbrella over his head.
We approached a group of primary school kids they noticed me and Mr. Hal, so they grabbed stones and started throwing them towards Mr. Hal.
The children were screaming “He’s a witch, he’s a witch”
So I started shielding Mr. Hal with my body while hissing at the children.
“Peasants! You are all Peasants!” I screamed.
The children turned on me and Mr. Hal walked away unscathed. After the children had tenderized me I returned to Mr. Hal’s office thinking I was going to get a raise. Instead he made me his foot slave, he told me to kneel down on all fours while he put his leather boots on my back.
He even had two hour meetings and I was there on all fours, many people were fascinated and they started saying “Ha-ha, Mr. Hal is really pimping that guy’s ass”.
I felt like shouting but since I had no permission to speak I stayed silent hoping they would stop.
One day Mr. Hal brought me into his office, and told me about his vision.
“Since, you’ve been a good foot slave for over three years I have decided to create a company that I shall call, Hal/Your name. By the way what is your name?” He asked.
“My name is Master John Bater” I said.
“Oh, I didn’t notice you were part of the Bater family, but your name is too long perhaps we should cut it down to, Master John, no Master Bater. So it’s decided the company name will be Hal-Master Bater ltd” he clarified.
“But sir…” I tried to cut in.
“Don’t push your luck, or I’ll have you cleaning toilets with your tongue!” He yelled.
Its not that I hate Mr. Hal but he is just a bit impatient, I say this because I remember at Valentines Day he was practicing a song to play to his wife on the guitar.
He kept getting the notes wrong, I said to him “No! That’s EBJD, not EBAD, and plus you have to use a Capo to play this particular song” I explained clearly.
Suddenly Mr. Hal got up and lifted the guitar past his shoulders and smashed it over my head.
Although I have a great time at Holland Parke don’t get me wrong, I mean the main problem we have is with the pupils.
All of them deal with crack outside the school, I remember a boy stopped me once and said “Oi blad have you got edge pence?”
I will explain this dialect, its very simple, “blad” is the way they pronounce “Blood”, it’s like calling someone your brother. “Edge pence” Means “50 Pence”, the reason why they refer to it that way is because the 50 pence coin is the only coin with edges. What a bunch of morons!
So he wants to “Jack me”, as they’d say which is another word for “Mug” but in slang terms.
As I am extremely posh I took out my wallet and said “Here you go, take what you want, but don’t hurt me!” in a very relaxed tone.
He was beginning to tremble so he took my wallet and said “Safe blad”.
You see once he knew that I was going to stand up to him he walked away instantly, this is the best way to deal with punks like him, after all I wouldn’t want to stain my clothes in his blood.
Don’t worry about me too much though I take all the anger out on the students in my class.
There’s this boy I constantly pick on, he’s so easy to pick on and when I shout at him it makes me feel big. There’s only one kid who really irritates me, and his name is Henry Thompson AKA Mc Faghit.
This kid is extremely spoilt; he comes from a very rich background and yet he’ll never admit it. He tries to blend in by acting like a buffoon, if only I could give him a slap, even if it cost me my job it’ll be worth it!
Anyway I have to go now I am sorry for writing a short introduction, I will return next month to write a much longer article, but Mr. Hal is pissing all over my glasses as I write this.
It’s a fetish he has!
2003 © Holland Parke School