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Master John Bater
Welcome back peasants
Hello peasants and welcome to my article, if you’ve read my previous article in newsletter 1 then you’ll notice that I am a teacher of class.
Everywhere I go around the school pupils always shout “Chief”, this is because they know how important I am.
Pizza shop
There have been rumours about me getting mugged at a pizza shop, I confirm that those rumours are correct, but with slight exaggerations.
Many of the inarticulate students will tell you that I was “bottled” (having a bottle smashed over my head) that is however a lie.
Just to clear the fact from fiction I will explain what happened in the pizza shop, straight from the horse’s mouth so to speak.
The truth and nothing but the truth
It was another gloomy Monday, students are still tired, and many of them refuse to even stay awake.
So I started the lesson, and reminded the class that the deadline for handing in their cash deposit for the study book “Mastering Biology: By Master John Bater et al” was overdue.
You see this was the book that I handed out at the beginning of the year, for free, as I am a very generous teacher, and also because the students broke into my locker and helped themselves to the books.
What I needed was a simple £50 deposit in case the books were lost or damaged.
Is that so much to ask? Everyone had paid up the cash deposit except one pupil.
As usual Henry Thompson, AKA Mc Faghit!
For some reason he had a problem with this, claiming he lived in the ghetto and that “living in the capital is too expensive blad”.
That’s probably true if he stopped going clubbing every Saturday and spent all his money on women and weed.
Another thing is he’s from a wealthy family, and lives with his parents.
So I called up Mr. Hal, and told him about this ignorant little tit, Mr. Hal responded immediately by sending a letter to Henry Thompson’s parents.
The next day Mc Faghit (Henry Thompson) came into school extremely early, I was in my office.
He looked really heated, as he slammed a £50 note onto my desk.
“What’s up bitch? Here’s my fucking money, aight!” He shouted.
Then he stormed out of my office, and I looked at the £50 note to check whether it was authentic.
The £50 note was rolled up into a scroll as if it was being used to sniff cocaine.
That day I thought of rewarding myself, with a crispy deep pan pizza, so I went to the nearest deep pan pizza.
The waiting was extremely long, when my pizza was finished, I was about to pay for it with the £50 note that I received from Mc Faghit.
Then all the sudden a boy wearing a hood stormed into the pizza shop with a hammer.
He claimed to be Mc hammer, and he stated if anyone moved he was going to hammer him, because it was hammer time.
The boy had a Halloween mask on, similar to the one from “scream”, he turned to me and shouted “Gimme your fucking money bitch! That’s right its hammer time bitch”.
I was cool to respond by immediately passing him the £50 note rolled up in my hand.
“And give me the pizza too!” he said.
So I did, and he walked out of the shop steadily, as he ate my pizza through his mask.
“Well I’ll be going now” I said in a disappointed voice.
Suddenly as I was about to head of a large hand slammed my shoulder.
I turned around it was the pizza guy.
“Where do you think your going? You don’t want to pay for the pizza?” he said.
“Yes but that guy took it” I explained.
“LISTEN I DON’T CARE WHO TOOK IT, YOU ORDERED IT NOW PAY UP OR I’LL TELL BIG PAPA TO COME ALONG AND REALLY FIX YOU UP!” He shouted.
The pizza man punched me a couple of times in the face, but only because I let him.
He would swing his hand a couple of times and say, “Here comes the home run” and then punch me in the face.
His friend who was laughing hysterically joined in and said “Hey wait let me try”.
He jumped in the air, and said “Geronimo!” and landed with both his fists on my head.
Then finally they called someone from the kitchen, and said “Hey Al come watch this I am going to punch this guy right between the eyes”.
At that point he broke my nose, I started holding it in place while shouting in a demonic voice “You’re getting me angry, you won’t like me when I’m angry!”
Before I could say another word they lifted me up and threw me out the door and said “Yeah, yeah whatever we’ve got pizza’s to make!”
After being hospitalised
After I was given medical treatment, I made plans to go back to HPS and teach my class, the pupils were very sympathetic.
Mr. Hal even called me up on stage at the school assembly where I gave a speech.
“Now as you all know Picasso was a very bad person, you could even say he was like Hitler, but one thing is for certain, looks can be deceiving.
For example a baby sucking on his/her mother’s nipple can be an evil baby, how do we know if the baby is evil? We must find out now!!!”
When I screamed the last words of my speech the whole school rose up and applauded, even people who had no legs rose up to applaud.
Then I was invited to the principal’s office, and saw a bright side to the incident that had taken place.
Suddenly as me and Mr. Hal were chatting Mc Faghit came into the room without knocking and said, “Excuse me Mr. Hal, man sir, I want to chat to you about an important matter.
“Go on don’t be shy young man I am listening” Mr. Hal happily said.
“Ok sir this is proper tight man, I want to have a gig at HPS right, and I want to make it in the assembly I just want to know if you're down” He said.
“Oh of course I am young man, have a seat, Master Bater would you please get off the chair and let the gentleman sit down?” Mr. Hal asked.
“But where will I sit” I asked.
“On the floor where you usually sit” He said.
This was all Mc Faghit’s fault, just when everything was going great for me he had to come along and wreck everything.
I forgot about the ordeal and was about to host a trip to the science convention for my class. The fee was £50, I asked the class to pay up as soon as possible.
That same day I was in the office marking essays, and then Mc Faghit came in looking very cheerful.
“Hello sir I’ve come to pay up for the trip” he said.
“Wow, I guess you have really changed now and there’s no need to chase you up anymore ha, ha, ha”. I happily said.
“Here you go blad I’ll see you at the convention, Bo!” He said as he placed a £50 note in my hand.
He quickly walked out of my office, and I looked at the £50 note, it was rolled up, just like the £50 pound note he used to pay the deposit, and the £50 note I was mugged for.
The incident at the pizza shop flashed through my eyes as I swallowed my pride.
Knowing there was nothing I could do, I walked down the school parking lot, just about to get into my car.
Then I heard a voice from behind me saying “You’re about to get bitched!!!”
I thought to myself, oh my here we go again.
2003 © Holland Parke School