Mrs. Diana Rigby

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Mrs. Diana Rigby

It has come to our attention that several students have been going on Google and searching for pornography.

As you know the school computers are to be used for work only!

The internet is filtered meaning you can’t access pornographic sites, the problem is you can search for pictures on Google, whether pornographic or non pornographic.

We contacted the people who operate Google and they told us that they are sex crazed maniacs who are committed in providing the easiest form of searching for pornography.

That is why they are extremely popular, it seems like Yahoo has adopted this method too in browsing for images.

Why else would someone browse for images on the internet other than pornographic?

From now on Google is no longer accessible as the people who maintain the site are perverted and proud!

Moving on to other issues, a teacher had opened the computer room to a student who needed to finish his coursework.

He was the only student in the computer room and was given the key to the room to lock it when he had finished and hand the key into reception.

The next day when the computer room had opened the teacher found the seat the student was sitting on covered in faeces.

It appeared the student needed to finish his coursework in addition to urgently use the toilet.

So he answered the call to nature right there and then.

The moral to that story is: don’t leave your coursework to the last minute!

Next thing I want to talk about is the condition of the school toilets; this has been an ongoing problem.

So we have devised a method to tackle this.

I’m not sure if you noticed that when the school library was closed for a month the library remained in excellent condition.

Therefore we have decided to close all the school toilets for a month.

Last but not least Mr. Hal wants to send the students a Christmas message:

Dear students,

I am very pleased to announce that the school inspections went well, everything went according to plan.

I want to thank you all for making me look good.

However I have some good and bad news. Let’s start with the bad news.

As you all know at the time of the inspections I promised three things, unfortunately I can’t fulfil all of these duties.

Here they are as follows:

· Remember when I said I was going to spend more money on the school lunches? Well the budget wasn’t what I expected it to be, so I’m afraid it’ll be chips and beans for the rest of your miserable lives!

· I also said I’d rebuild the gym that was destroyed in the fire, but due to budget problem’s there won’t be anymore gym lesson. Instead of exercising your muscles, you will be exercising your brain; gym lessons are now called “Study hard” lessons.

· Finally the plan to recruit Business studies teachers has been suspended, I’m afraid the budget isn’t quite enough, this means Business studies has been scrapped forever.

I believe now its time for the good news, from now on lunch times and break times will be known as “Extra backup study”.

This means no one is allowed to be playing football or taking part in any entertaining activity.

As you all showed how much you love to study in front of the inspectors I’ve decided to make your time more productive.

Last thing I want to talk about is your Christmas Holidays.

I know this is a time of fun, but as you know children I want you to study really hard!

So don’t watch TV, don’t stick around your family, I want you to get the best possible grades you can.

Please don’t think this is all for me, even though it will improve my image if the school reaches the national average.

I have given my life to you kids; I am working hard day and night in my posh office with a man holding an umbrella over my head, and my own personal chauffeur.

Most of the school budget I’ve used to decorate the ground floor of the school to impress naïve visitors.

And a tiny bit of it I’ve used to buy an oak table for my office, an armchair, a crown, a personal chauffeur, a limo, I got a lawyer and a manager, an agent and a chef
three nannies, an assistant, and a driver and a jet, a trainer and a butler, and a bodyguard or five, a gardener and a stylist, do you think I'm satisfied?
I'd like to express my extreme point of view, I'm not Christian and I'm not a Jew I'm just living out the American dream.

Well that raps it up.

Yours sincerely Colin Hal

“Seeking Penius in people”

Holland Parke School News: Headmaster hopes the chalk thief reveals his identity, he will not punish this individual he just wants to have a friendly chat with him Shock as dinner lady is caught excreting in chocolate Ice Cream Rabbi Cokh voted sexiest teacher of the year Master John Bater mugged outside pizza shop No more toilet paper in school toilet, Headmaster says they're being used for masturbation purposes Inspectors day on the 16th please could everyone be on their best behaviour so no one could know what a shit school it really is Aligator on the loose in the school swimming pool The BBC is filiming a documentary near the school entitled "The drugged up ganglord" Broken Piano replaced, students are advised not to have sex on Piano again Headmaster urges the student who sneezed outside his office at August 23rd to give himself in, anyone with further information please contact reception Last chance to hand over school calendars or face a death sentence School Main computer room covered in faeces