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Rabbi Cokh
Why Holland Parke School hasn’t been faithful
Shalom,
This is your Rabbi speaking, as an R.E (Religious Education) teacher at Holland Parke School (HPS) I would to tell you the truth. The truth is what I seek; I am a man of truth.
The first day I arrived at HPS most of the teachers seemed polite, they even provided kosher meat at the cafeteria, but now all their true colours are coming out and its time to expose them.
First of all there is this myth that HPS is a school that loves the idea of being multiracial, but the truth is they have no choice; this is because the area is multicultural.
Second of all I have some shocking news about our principal Colin Hal; I have devised a small formula to illustrate my point:
Colin + Hal= Ozama, (Ozama River) Ozama=Osama
With this evidence I can conclude that Colin Hal has links with Al Queda!
How I got the job
Ok so I walk in to the school I see the principal wearing a crown; he even had a man holding an umbrella over his head, indoors. For a minute I thought I walked into the Royal Albert Museum, and not a school.
The principal greeted me and we made our way to his office, you should have seen how well his office was furnished, and I’ve been to Buckingham palace.
So I asked him, “How come the rest of the school doesn’t look as good as your office”, his face went red with rage.
He said “don’t you know that I am doing this for the children? It’s their future at stake! Don’t they deserve to see me furnished in gold?”
“Yes but you have an oak table, a crown, a butler, you even have stolen Iraqi artefacts” I pointed out.
Colin Hal shrugged his royal cape and walked out of the room, he told one of his servants to show me the exit.
That day I thought he didn’t want to hire me that was until I got a phone call. He said Colin Hal has decided that you should teach at our school. The person on the phone was begging me, I was like “tell that Mr. Hal that we are through! He is nothing but a cockroach!”
Then I noticed that the person on the other end of the line was Mr. Hal, so I shut the phone in his face.
Two hours later I got a phone call from some person saying that if I didn’t come to HPS tomorrow that he would steal my kippah. So the next day I went to see Mr. Hal for the second time, when we got to his office he told me to sit down.
He said “I have a proposition for you”
“What is this proposition?” I asked.
He slowly walked up and stood behind me while massaging my shoulders.
“Yesterday I was a bit out of line” He explained.
“Yes you were” I said.
“Well I’d like to make it up to you” He spoke softly.
Then he clicked his fingers and two large men came into the room. The two men approached me with a menacing look on their face.
“Sorry old chap but I have a meeting that I can’t miss, have fun with the boys, ha-ha ha-ha!” Colin Hal closed the door behind him as he made his way out.
So there I was facing two men, they both tried to grab my kippah as they knew it was my only weakness. I jumped up and did a summersault, the two men were bemused, and they both looked at each other knowing that they had met their match.
One of the men grabbed a mace and started swinging it; the other grabbed a Nokia 5110 and smashed it over my head. Nothing happened; the two men looked petrified, the Nokia 5110 should have been a lethal blow.
So I took out my shoelaces and used them to strangle the first male, the second male started to call on more security, I gave him a karate chop to the head.
After unlocking the door I thought my ordeal was over, to my surprise I saw 10 men waiting outside to beat me up. So I told them all to form a line, and I pushed the first man and the rest carried on falling on top of each other like dominoes until they were all on the floor.
Now I was mad! I grabbed the receptionist and said “”where is Colin Hal?”
“He’s having a meeting in the library” she stuttered.
I knew this was a trick as Mr. Hal would never be caught dead inside an unfurnished room, such as the library.
Despite knowing this I carried on walking down the hall, it was a trap! Right there standing in front of me was a 6ft Lizard, so I turned around and did a roundhouse kick in his face, knocking him down on his ass.
For the second time I made my way to the reception this time I pulled the lady at the counter by her hair and said “Announce Mr. Hal’s name now!”
She called for him to come to the reception; I waited willingly for him to show up.
Suddenly, I saw him making his way smiling while shaking several people’s hands, so I ran up and pushed him to the floor and jumped in mid-air and landed on his stomach.
I looked down at him and he told me, “You’ve got the job” while sobbing.
2003 © Holland Parke School